Boundaries

Often times boundaries can feel like a lost cause. The reactions they cause can lead you to believe you might be better off with silencing yourself. Some people might get offended or feel disrespected, reading this will help give you insight on how to hold yourself accountable for the boundries you put up despite how others take it. When people have strong reactions to the boundaries you need it’s a signifier that they have work to do within themselves too, So be patient when you can but still follow through on set boundaries. I myself have often times felt discouraged to create healthy habits like this one because of others reactions. On multiple occasions my grandmothers husband made me very uncomfortable. In the way he would hug me, take pictures of me and pretended he wasn’t. I could feel this very dark energy about him lingering around me.  My whole family felt the same way but thought it was best to silence themselves for the peace of the family. I was tired of that. I became the black sheep. I had asked my parents to tell me if he was going to be over so I could not attend and if he was there I would not be coming. I can’t say that they ever told me honestly.  Many times I would allow myself to be in these awkward and vulgar situations because I didn’t hold my self accountable. I was weak and went against what I knew to be my limit. Eventually I found enough strength to hold myself liable and respect myself. I stopped attending family events. Let’s just say my family never found peace in me speaking my mind and setting boundaries. As hard as it was, I finally detached myself from them all. I respected myself more because no one else was going to. Often times my family made me feel guilty and belittled me. It was incredibly frustrating, I constantly felt as if I was the problem. Just as they all have told me, “ you always have something to say” or “you always want to start shit”. More people than not are going to knock you down, downplay their actions and twist your boundries into being the problem. Don’t let anyone trap you into believing they’re the victims. Find the courage to trust in yourself and your power. You create the world you want to live in. So establish and follow through with the boundries you want to put in place.

Let’s take a moment to consider what boundries entail, remember that these will vary from person to person. Try to understand boundries do not involve controlling someone else’s behaviors. These are simply our limits. An example of this would be instead of saying “I won’t let my friend disrespect me” you would say “I will leave the room if I’m disrespected”. They are more like consequences for the other person, not orders for their actions. Do not forget, you should 100% go through with that boundary you put up.

You first have to know what you are and not willing to put up with. These parameters are the key to maintain a healthy, loving and resentment free relationship. Having the courage to respect yourself and knowing what is best for you is so beneficial. It’s also something you get more familiar with over time. Now for the hard part, it’s time to ask ourselves some questions.

What makes you uncomfortable?

What desires do you have for a relationship?

Are there times you felt pressured to do things that didn’t match your morals?

What are your favorite things to do when you’re by yourself?

What are some limitations you have during sex or for your personal space?

The list can honestly go on for a life time. Let’s try applying something in a real example.

Question: What makes you uncomfortable?

Answer: Letting people other than myself and Dad kiss our child.

So a good boundary to make would be if someone kissed my kid, I will say “if you kiss my baby, we are leaving” And if they cross the boundary, I would get up and leave.

You have to practice mindfulness to really understand the energy and emotions that flow through your body. We can do that by observing our thoughts, breath and emotions. How did you feel in a specific moment? How could you assert yourself to make the situation safer? Our goal is to always dig deeper and understand ourselves from the core.

I want to state that it’s sometimes easier to assert our own boundaries than it is to receive them. If someone else gives you a boundary, it is not for you to feel hurt by it. You need to remember they know what’s best for themselves and it’s nothing personal. People who respect their own being will have boundries and that is okay.

Please dive in, dig deeper, seek to recognize within yourself what ways you could declare yourself to have some clear and valuable boundaries.

  One of the hardest things is for us to communicate the way we feel, and what we need in order to feel safe, heard and respected. Maybe the models we had around us didn’t have those skills to teach us or you’ve been shot down so many times. Maybe you are just a people pleaser, which is also something you most likely developed in response to the environment around you,  whatever the case is you can heal those wounds. We should desire to be empowered, to use our voice and be a role model for the young children growing around us. Strive with me to listen to our intuition, to learn and commit to the boundries we respectively deserve.